Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not, or like I'm trying to act or sound a certain way to gain approval or admiration, and I'd like to change that. This inner "codependency" as some refer to it is something that I've seen before, but it has come to light again more recently, and with the Lord's help, I'd like to address it, somehow. Also, I've been thinking about what direction I'd like this blog to take, and as of now, I have not decided yet, but for today I'd like to just share thoughts.
Alex's thoughts for the day:
-Fall is absolutely my favorite season: Leaves, cool cloudy weather, snuggling under the comforter with Isabean, sweaters, scarves and boots, warm drinks, pomegranates, persimmons and pumpkins, brussels sprouts and sweet potatoes. Love it.
-Lately, I've realized that even my most "righteous" acts are tainted with sin and self-interest. From serving in a ministry to how I interact with friends, I've noticed a selfish component, a need to get something in return (and soon!). And when that something doesn't come, annoyance (which revealed the true motives. yikes.), frustration or anger soon overwhelms.
-I just finished my Mother-Baby rotation. Babies are my favorite. And that's all I can say without violating HIPAA and risking getting kicked out of my university's nursing program.
-I've been avoiding buying shoes with even the slightest heel because I've felt insecure about looking too tall, especially around my more "petite" Filipino peers. The feeling of being too tall, fat, talkative, dog-lady-ish, what have you, has been a recurring theme in my mind lately (that, or not "_____" enough) and it tires me out. I'd like to believe that on any given Sunday, it's okay to wear boots with a little heel and be tall. Even though wearing them might make me taller than 95% of the people in the church (exception: Uncle Ben) Bahaha.
-I chopped off five inches of my hair! I was kind of sad. But kind of happy. It's a strange thing, the relationship between females and their hair.
-About a week ago, I read this amazing blog post by a lady I truly admire. In it, she talked about how all of her life she idolized the idea of having a family. One thing she touched on that really resonated with me was how even as she blogged and wrote about how having a family/marriage/baby etc. would never truly satisfy her, her heart rebelled loudly against what she was writing (I feel you, sister.). This disconnect between mind and heart is something I've been experiencing lately. My mind tells me that a family/husband/baby/skinny body will not be my end-all-be-all-all-satisfying thing in life, that God is good, that He's sovereign, that He's been faithful before and thus, can be trusted to be faithful again, But sometimes my heart doesn't quite feel it. One could refer to it as an "I believe! Help my unbelief." moment.
-I think I'm getting better at setting boundaries and communication. A few weeks ago a friend asked me to participate in something I wasn't comfortable with (not like, drugs, or anything. it was ministry-related. ha!) and I was able to explain why it made me uncomfortable and even suggested some alternatives! This was no small victory, considering I have passive-aggressive-grouchy-pants tendencies! "God's grace." says my mind.
-Audrey Assad's latest album is just wonderful. Free Clinique lipgloss is also just as wonderful. Also oven-roasted brussels sprouts, homemade gluten-free pumpkin bars, and puppy kisses.
-I'd like to work on prayer and reading the Word very regularly, despite my crazy schedule.
-I'd also like to bake my first pie before the year is over.
Have a blessed week, friends!
-Alex
